It has been been a month and a couple of days since Mom died and each day gets a little easier, but I doubt this irritability and sadness will lift any time soon. Given the weather these past few weeks, it just feels gray all over. Oh sorry, not a great way to start my blog post for the day, but I'm not sure anyone is even reading this anymore. Writing is just a good way for me to bear my soul and it so happens this is out there for the family to read. I hope you'll bear with me as I rant.
I have to get out of this house!!! Everything reminds me of Mom. There are pictures and papers and stuff sitting aorund that I want to ask her about and I can't! Does death make one question one's faith? It seems like I've been seeking a sign that she is alright, in a better place, happy and dancing and care free. Death is just is so final! We can't hear her voice or hear her laugh anymore. I feel like this big huge hole is open in my life. Maybe while I was caring for her, I did not really deal with the end of my marriage and now I'm alone and having to deal with both sets of sad situations. I don't know, but I so wish I
knew instead of just
believed she is in a good place. Faith is believing right? So I suppose I just have to believe and trust and leave it at that. Still though...some kind of a sign would be nice to let me feel ok that she is ok.
Work has been super busy with a new version of SharePoint finally being implemented and I'm on point to learn the darn thing before everyone else does. Lots of hours spent banging head against desk wondering how things are supposed to work now. Just gotta love how we get so comfortable in our applications and the software vendor decides to arbitrarily reposition items on the screen. One button that I use about 90,000 times a day was on the right side off the screen is now on the left side - ugh! Plus working between two versions and trying to design pages in both is excruciatingly difficult! Sad to say my eyeballs are tired at the end of the work day. But not nearly as tired as Christine with her crew and pink eye and shingles - poor thing!
So there are my rants for the week! I'm really not going off the deep end - I have a grandson coming to visit this weekend! Pictures will be posted ;-) I invited Chip & Myrriah and David and Leanne and kids up to visit this weekend for a light lunch and good conversation. Should be fun! Sandy will be coming down to do some Mary Kay work in Charlotte in the next couple of weeks. She is always a delight! Plus, my friends in Dallas have invited me to come visit them. My friend Anil made an interesting point when I told him I was planning to move. He asked whether I was going to stay in Charlotte and I told him no, but have not decided where to go yet. I have ruled out Florida cuz the drivers are too chaotic! So he said Dallas is a good place smack dab in the middle of the country and it wouldn't be so far to go to see family on either coast - east or west. It got me thinking and looking and surprisingly rental prices there are very reasonable. I may end up there, who knows! I'll check it out when I go visit and see what I see. I always liked Texas. At one time my friends in San Antonio told me I qualified as a born again Texan because I lived there more than five years. Hahahah!!!
So all is well - sort of. It will get better. Everyone says so! I am just very determined to learn to live with this grief and not fall on the crutch of anti-depressants. That is how I dealt with my marriage breaking down and I won't go there again. Sandy was the one who showed me that 250mg of any kind of a drug was a bad thing. I've kicked it and won't go back! But a small glass of wine never hurts ;-)
