Back to the land of the living.....

Well, not for lack of thinking about it, but I haven't blogged an update in a couple of days because I have had to actually get back to work!  I have been by Mom's side since her surgery as her cheerleader and communications conduit to the family and feeling strong in my role as her advocate with the doctors. Being my sole supporter now, I have no one else but myself to depend on for my income and I am grateful my company has allowed me to step away for a time. But I need to find my own balance once again.

It feels as though I am on a journey watching Mom fall into the abyss of insanity and feeling unable to help her. They have been giving her a strong dose of Ultram for her pain, which causes hallucinations. She sees people who did not exist and when she asks me who they are, I answer truthfully that they are  not really there. She gets infuriated with me and absolutely believes someone is sitting beside her or across the room. I continue to explain to her that the drugs are doing it to her mind. She argues and then cries and then sets her jaw in anger or defiance.

I felt broken on Tuesday afternoon and suffice to say that I had had enough. I am not equipped to handle the mood swings or to see my mother acting like someone I do not know. I came back to my office and spent the afternoon on phone calls with my team. Wednesday was jammed with meetings as well as catching up on work that had been left undone for the last couple of weeks. I finished with meetings around 3 and went uptown to find Mom looking bright eyed but lying in her bed looking out the window. Her nurse said she'd had a good day, had a real shower, walked in the hallway. I decided it had been a good move on my part to leave her the day before as now she has to find her own inner reserves of strength to get well and get moving again.

The Physician's Assistant that works with Dr Chan came by and he said they are tweaking her meds to find the right balance for her heart rhythm. He said whenever she felt ready, she could go to rehab. Then Dr. Chan came in and he said he had been there earlier but she was sleeping. He asked how she was eating and I told him not very well. He also asked if I thought she was ready for rehab and I told him not quite. She needs a few more good days like she had on Wednesday. So maybe through the weekend if we see steady improvement, she'll be ready to transfer early next week. He thinks she is ready to go so it will be a matter of watching her level of improvement over the next few days.

We tried to call her girlfriend, Marcelle but when she left a voice mail, she was talking to Chip! I explained she's leaving a voice mail for Marcelle and not Chip but she got furious with me. I helped her get out of bed to take a stroll in the hallway and she told me she doesn't have any shoes to go on the sidewalk. I told her we were not going outside, just to the hallway and she looked at me like I'm the crazy one. Well, she needs shoes regardless! Ah me!! Patti is flying in late tonight. Mom always brightens up when Pat's around so that will be good for her. I know Pat will see a dramatic improvement from the last visit!  One of the things I am pushing for the nurses to do is to stop giving Mom her meds before dinnertime. She gets so sleepy after having drugs that she cannot eat. She hates the food, but we are not Southern so we have never eaten what they eat down here. Her dinner plate Wednesday consisted of chicken and gravy, rice with gravy and a bowl of greens in vinegar. I nearly puked when I lifted the lid on her dish. So I told her I'd go down to the cafe and get her a salad - ran into an issue there. The cafe was hosting an employee appreciation dinner. I nearly croaked when I saw what they were serving- ham slices swimming in maple syrup, yams covered in an inch of marshmallow, green beans slathered in bacon grease - yuk!! I had to walk away. No way would I ever put that much sugar in my system in one meal! And to think this is a hospital? Do they really want to make Americans fat so they end up there? I'd think people in the medical profession would want to put themselves out of a job by helping Americans improve our eating habits. A lady who was stocking the shelves with yogurt and salad told me that's what people who work there expect in a holiday dinner. Really? Needless to say, I got her a salad in a box, but by the time I got back upstairs the drugs had kicked in and she was too sleepy to eat. She saw something scoot across the floor and I said no there is no mouse, just the drugs playing with her mind. She then asked me if the lady in the room would be eating with us. No Mom, she already ate - sometimes it seems if I just play along with her mind games, she doesn't get so angry. But I hate doing it!  She had a little salad and some Glucerna and I tucked her into bed. Back when she was in the coronary care unit, Sandy and Pat and I bought her a musical bear and she asked me to take it out of her room. She said that dog is driving her crazy looking at her all the time. I'm not sure what that's about!

A new day is dawning and I have lots of work to do. After work, I'll go uptown to see how she is doing and then go to the airport to pick up Pat. Hoping today brings a better day for her!